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I Wish They All Could Be Jewish Derby Girls

Like Ruth Hater Ginsburg and Mazel Tov Cocktail

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The Wall St. traitors put the hurt on someone.(Gotham Girls Roller Derby)

If the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear sounds too milquetoast for you, perhaps you’d be better off attending Saturday’s Gotham Girls Roller Derby championship bout, featuring the Bronx Gridlock against the Queens of Pain.

Pondering the end of the season made me start thinking about the joys of derby names. The perfect derby name (see dozens of ‘em here) displays both aggression and humor; reveals something about the skater (she’s literary, she’s a mom, she’s vegan, she enjoys alcoholic beverages); and if the name’s a bit obscure, so much the better. As a fan of children’s books, I enjoy names derived from kid lit: Lemony Kickit, Eva Lasting Broadstopper, Laura Ingalls Piledriver, Veruca Assault, Pippi Headstomping. I also appreciate names that put a violent spin on pop culture: Beyonslay, Stevie Kicks (“I took your love, I took you down”), Splat Benetar, Soylent Mean, Dame Judi Wench. And who says the younger generation doesn’t follow politics? Witness: Sarah Impalin, Shockin Audrey, Tripper Gore, and a referee who goes by Stimulus Package (refs can be men).

Sadly, however, there are very few openly Jewish derby names. (Gee, I wonder why?) Looking at the current rosters, I found Gefilte Fists; Slammy Davis, Jr.; Anne Frankenstein; Ruth Hater Ginsburg; Uzi Quatro; Mazel Tov Cocktail; Nancy Jew; and refs Jew’d Law and Manny Schevitz. My favorite Jew-y derby name? Meshuggah Walls, who skates for the Emerald City Rollergirls in Oregon. (If you don’t get the reference, click here.)

Tablet Magazine readers: What would your Jewish derby name be? Be bold, be butch. Look to history, literature, and popular culture. And leave them in the comments.

As for me? I’d be Golda Slayir, Henrietta Schooled, Sharona Slaychem, Vashti’d Off, Isha Zona, Marjorie Mourningspar, or, if I want to go lowbrow, Torah Spelling. My ref name would definitely be Morris Ayin. (Some of these jokes are for Jewish Day School students only.)

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I dressed up as a roller derby girl for Purim and my name (which was painted onto my shirt) was “Queen Smashti.” Sadly, I was not as tough or hardcore as my name. I was quite unsteady on my wheels and had to be tugged around by friends for most the night.

Fun article, but concerning the “these are the only men” comment, please allow me an emphatic “pfffft.” There are plenty of male coaches in addition to refs … oh, and a little thing called men’s roller derby (not to mention co-ed derby). There are at least 25 male derby leagues, and the sport is growing fast.

And as for me, my derby is alias is “Jewbacca” of the Race City Rebels (Indianapolis). And with the relative youth of the male version of the sport (read not nearly as many names claimed as in women’s derby), there are countless opportunities for great Jewish themed derby names.

My Derby Name? Ram Bam.

I’d like farstunkanot-so-nice. because i’m just not that tough.

Ivy Smear.

Megahurtz says:

I used to skate with a “Matza Brawl” on my former league in San Antonio, TX… and her number was 5766.

Michael says:

Bristal Stomp.

Rachel says:

Mayhem Bialik.

Mayhem Bialik!

Rachel says:

I also came up with Theodora Hurtzl and Princess Dianeu but I think Mayhem Bialik is the best.

antonia says:

I skate in Houston and my derby wife is Hava Na-kill-ya and her number is 5771. I’m Jewish too, but it was really hard to come up with a Jewish name that’s as great as hers.. some Jewish ideas I had were.. Bagels and Sox, Bagels and Blox, Yom Kick Ass

Rachel says:

What about Yom Tripper?

This exercise was one of the most fun things I’ve done in a while. I’m having a field day with it.

Rachel, you have a Gift. Cherish it.

(Do I know you?)

Rachel says:

Hey Marjorie, I don’t believe we’ve met, but I do comment regularly on Tablet and maybe one day you’ll see me skating for CN Power in Toronto.

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I Wish They All Could Be Jewish Derby Girls

Like Ruth Hater Ginsburg and Mazel Tov Cocktail

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