‘Millionaire Matchmaker’: Prince vs. Douchebag
But which is which?
Last night on Bravo’s The Millionaire Matchmaker (which I will be rounding up every week), Patti Stanger gave a woman from Greenville, South Carolina, a dose of home truth from the yenta files: “A good BJ goes a long way.” Bonus tip: “You can actually watch television and do it at the same time.”
Then Patti’s tireless aide-de-camp Destin presented us with the night’s two bachelors, a pair of classic L.A. specimens: Prince Valiant and the Douchebag.
The prince, we are expected to assume, is David Sheltraw, a 51-year-old fitness fanatic and former actor who splits his time between L.A. and South Beach. His Bravo tagline tells us he’s a financier; Google tells us he played Eros in the 1995 Ally Sheedy thriller One Night Stand and, apparently, spent some time working as a mortgage broker for Countrywide. Never mind! He looks like Michael Douglas. What could be the matter?
Actually, as Patti knows, a good-looking single man signals danger: “There’s something really wrong with him,” she announces. “Otherwise, he wouldn’t be here.” Well, what’s wrong with him is that he says he wants to find true love, but in actuality is looking for a young, uncomplicated chickadee to have his child. “He’s looking for the bells and whistles and the violins and the Red Sea parting,” Patti says. (Yes! More Moses references!) It’s possible he just wanted to be on TV again, but sadly David’s other problem is that he’s boring, even though he has a motorcycle, and in the end he winds up behaving like a douche to the perfectly normal-seeming ex-model and mother-of-three he takes to Neptune’s Net in Malibu for beer and fried fish.
So that leaves the aforementioned douchebag to play the part of the prince. And, my, what a douche! As Page Six informed us yesterday morning, the second “millionaire” was Jason Davis, the 25-year-old grandson of the late tycoon Marvin Davis, who at various points owned 20th Century Fox and the Beverly Hills Hotel. The current Davis is a Perez Hilton lookalike who is regularly ridiculed in the gossip blogs as “Gummy Bear,” because he is fat, while his brother Brandon—who was responsible for starting the whole Lindsay Lohan “firecrotch” thing (if you don’t know, maintain your blissful ignorance)—is known as “Greasy Bear.”
Well, we get a gauzy montage of Jason as a young pudgy boy, hugging his grandpa at his bar mitzvah (for which the elder Davises converted their estate into a faux-casino), and then we get the real thing: a lardy guy in a gold late-Elvis tracksuit and sunglasses. All the time with the sunglasses!
But the Davis heirs’ finances are a little murky, plus Jason may or may not have been evicted from his apartment for failing to pay his $3,600 monthly rent, so it’s a little sad to hear him reminiscing about his childhood escapades on private planes. (He also brags about painting Tori Spelling, another dispossessed child of Hollywood royalty, on a Malibu beach when they were kids.) And slowly, and against all odds, Jason turns out to be kind of winning! He calls out one bimbo at the mixer for being totally boring. He also has a mommy thing going for Patti, which is actually endearing (and classic: “Wow, I kind of want to sleep with her!” he announces right after she reams him out for having dirty fingernails).
Patti treats Jason to a manicure and spray-tan at the Four Seasons, and finds him a not-too-ditzy blonde named Stephanie whose sole task is to puncture Jason’s attitude and prove that he can be honest without getting hurt. He picks Stephanie up in a limo and takes her to his house, where there is a violinist and a pet monkey, and they talk companionably about farting. Then they make out wrapped in a blanket. So far, so good!
By the time Jason shows up at Patti’s office for his debrief, she’s replaced Gummy Bear with Huggy Bear. Is the frog secretly a prince? We’ll never know. Sadly, it seems that Stephanie actually just wanted to get on TV (maybe you sense a pattern?), because she tells Jason she can’t see him again due to an “it’s complicated” situation with some other guy. And just like that, Patti turns all Mama Bear. She calls Stephanie to interrogate her about the date. Stephanie denies the make-out session. “You did not suck face?” Patti yells into her BlackBerry. “Tongues did not touch?” She gives the phone to Jason so he can deliver the final blow; he hangs up on the girl.
“I’m really sad Jason opened up and Stephanie lied to him,” Patti says afterward. But it’s okay! Jason found at least one woman he can trust: his hectoring Jewish mama-figure. And he still has his monkey to play with.
Next week: some guy says he’s looking for a Christian woman, but hesitates when asked how committed he is, exactly, to abstinence.
Daily rate: $2
Monthly rate: $18
Yearly rate: $180
WAIT, WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY TO COMMENT?
Tablet is committed to bringing you the best, smartest, most enlightening and entertaining reporting and writing on Jewish life, all free of charge. We take pride in our community of readers, and are thrilled that you choose to engage with us in a way that is both thoughtful and thought-provoking. But the Internet, for all of its wonders, poses challenges to civilized and constructive discussion, allowing vocal—and, often, anonymous—minorities to drag it down with invective (and worse). Starting today, then, we are asking people who'd like to post comments on the site to pay a nominal fee—less a paywall than a gesture of your own commitment to the cause of great conversation. All proceeds go to helping us bring you the ambitious journalism that brought you here in the first place.
I NEED TO BE HEARD! BUT I DONT WANT TO PAY.
Readers can still interact with us free of charge via Facebook, Twitter, and our other social media channels, or write to us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Each week, we’ll select the best letters and publish them in a new letters to the editor feature on the Scroll.
We hope this new largely symbolic measure will help us create a more pleasant and cultivated environment for all of our readers, and, as always, we thank you deeply for your support.