Your email is not valid
Recipient's email is not valid
Submit Close

Your email has been sent.

Click here to send another

thescroll_header

Natalie Portman Weds Dancing Frog

Jewish men ages 25-34 to mourn

Print Email

Natalie, some of us knew this day might come. I am not one of them. Secretly I held out hope that you might use that Harvard-sharpened mind and come to your senses, leave your spindly baby daddy, and trust that the right guy would come along. That guy was me and, no doubt, an entire generation of other equally self-assured young Jewish bucks feel the same, and together we mourn you today.

Watching you fall in love on screen was never that trying. As you rode sidecar with that scrub Zach Braff in “Garden State,” we knew it wasn’t real. You played a compulsive liar in that film, but there was no lie greater than the last scene where you pretended you didn’t want Zach Braff to go while Frou Frou played tortuously in the background.

When you rode on a reptile creature through the ridges of Naboo with that goyische Canuck Hayden Christensen in the “Star Wars” prequels, all along we knew it wasn’t the truth. When they gave you two the Razzie for worst on-screen couple, we all smiled knowingly. To put an accent on it, the the next role Christensen played onscreen was as Stephen Glass.

When they heckled and chased you for kissing that dude at the Western Wall, we heckled too, but only because the sacred–you–had been profaned.

Oh Natalie, they said it would never work! They said: She’s not that pretty and she’s a really pious vegan and “Closer” was a terrible movie! Plus, she seems really happy with the French guy.

We told them all to hold their tongues. They would see. We said, “She named her kid Aleph. It means she’s coming back. She has an Erdős-Bacon number for the love of God, we promise she’ll figure it out.

But alas, you did not. And so we mark today, August 6–the day that Houdini pulled off his greatest feat, the day that John Hughes died, the day (8/6) that is double your height (4’3″)–as the day on which we try to make sense of the universe’s cruelty.

Natalie Portman Marries Benjamin Millepied [People]

Print Email

COMMENTING CHARGES
Daily rate: $2
Monthly rate: $18
Yearly rate: $180

WAIT, WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY TO COMMENT?
Tablet is committed to bringing you the best, smartest, most enlightening and entertaining reporting and writing on Jewish life, all free of charge. We take pride in our community of readers, and are thrilled that you choose to engage with us in a way that is both thoughtful and thought-provoking. But the Internet, for all of its wonders, poses challenges to civilized and constructive discussion, allowing vocal—and, often, anonymous—minorities to drag it down with invective (and worse). Starting today, then, we are asking people who'd like to post comments on the site to pay a nominal fee—less a paywall than a gesture of your own commitment to the cause of great conversation. All proceeds go to helping us bring you the ambitious journalism that brought you here in the first place.

I NEED TO BE HEARD! BUT I DONT WANT TO PAY.
Readers can still interact with us free of charge via Facebook, Twitter, and our other social media channels, or write to us at letters@tabletmag.com. Each week, we’ll select the best letters and publish them in a new letters to the editor feature on the Scroll.

We hope this new largely symbolic measure will help us create a more pleasant and cultivated environment for all of our readers, and, as always, we thank you deeply for your support.

AriShavit says:

truly a sad day. she would have at least picked me over you …

msieger says:

Adam,
What makes it okay for you to refer to a Frenchman as a “frog”?

msieger says:

Michael,
OK then. But if someone called me a [derogatory term for a Jewish person] in any venue, I’d be offended.

Monkish says:

“Frog”? Really? A clumsy title that makes Tablet an unlikely participant in the Republican party’s obsessive France and French bashing. Especially since there valid grounds for dislike Millepied other than nationality, namely his role in denying Portman’s Black Swan “stunt double”, the ballet dancer Sarah Lane, the acclaim and recognition she deserves. A parvenu if ever there was one. I predict a get will be requested within 5 years. That is if Millepied doesn’t decide to make Portman an agunah…

well, at least, according to people ”
the pair exchanged vows in a Jewish ceremony.”

and what’s with the frou frou hate…i love that album….and coincidentally just listened to it 2 hours ago

spostol says:

How melancholy! Frog, indeed! She could have waited for one of my grandsons!

spostol says:

Millepied? Won’t someone comment on this obviously phony name for a dancer. Maybe it’s a pseudo-name. Maybe his real name is something Jewish like Madoff or something.

It seems, that being a Jewish magazine we have the license to say anything nasty about other Jewish persons more famous than us, and no one will call the author antisemitic. This is quite a privilege, except it has smelly bad taste. One must know how to rebuke, to proff, because otherwise a bad smell comes out. Only great prophets know how to rebuke, and Adam, does not belong, and gebnerate a pleasant smell.

The Lesson 8 of Rabbi Nachman volume II talks about this specifically. It is not taught at Harvard. Have a look here http://bit.ly/MPWQqF and watch Rebbe Meir Elkabas video.

2000

Your comment may be no longer than 2,000 characters, approximately 400 words. HTML tags are not permitted, nor are more than two URLs per comment. We reserve the right to delete inappropriate comments.

Thank You!

Thank you for subscribing to the Tablet Magazine Daily Digest.
Please tell us about you.

Natalie Portman Weds Dancing Frog

Jewish men ages 25-34 to mourn

More on Tablet:

Kerry Links Rise of ISIS With Failed Peace Talks

By Lee Smith — Secretary of State: ‘I see a lot of heads nodding’