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Letters to Summer Camp—From the Parents of Very Special Campers

What adults whose kids have purported psychic powers, from soulful Crystal Children to fiery Indigo Children, might say

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(Photoillustration Tablet Magazine; original photo Shutterstock)
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Actress/comic/Playboy playmate Jenny McCarthy was recently named a co-host of The View. Sure, many pediatricians and public-health advocates fret that ABC is giving her a platform for her notorious, scientifically discredited anti-vaccine views … but what’s even more terrifying is the damage she can do as a believer in Indigo and Crystal Children.

Say what, say you? Well, Indigo and Crystal Children (“indigo” and “crystal” purportedly describe their aura colors and energy patterns) are people born with special powers. According to Doreen Virtue, author of The Care and Feeding of Indigo Children, both types are supernaturally sensitive and psychic, but otherwise they’re very different.

“The first thing that most people notice about [Crystal Children] is their eyes—large, penetrating and wise beyond their years,” Virtue writes on her website, Angel Therapy. (I imagine them looking like this.) “The Crystal Children’s eyes lock on and hypnotize you, while you realize your soul is being laid bare for these children to see,” Virtue continues. “They are happy, delightful and forgiving. This generation of new lightworkers, roughly ages 0 through 7, are like no previous generation. Ideal in many ways, Crystal Children are the pointers for where humanity is headed.”

Indigos, on the other hand, she writes, have a “warrior spirit,” because “their collective purpose is to mash down old systems that no longer serve us. They are here to quash government, educational, and legal systems that lack integrity. To accomplish this end, they need tempers and fiery determination.” Indigos have trouble getting along with others, have a sense of entitlement, do not respond to “guilt discipline,” and are often mistakenly diagnosed with Attention Deficit with Hyperactivity Disorder or Attention Deficit Disorder. McCarthy realized that she was an Indigo Child and her son was a Crystal Child when a stranger approached her on the street and told her so.

I started thinking: What would Jewish summer camp be like for a Crystal or Indigo Child? And more important, what might it be like for those around such very special children?

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Dear Parents:
Tomorrow Camp Hekhalal will be taking a trip to a lake. Please remember to pack swim shoes, along with bathing suits and towels.
Shalom,
The Staff of Camp Hekhalal

Dear Staff of Camp Hekhalal:
First, I’d like to know what kind of lake you’re going to. My angel is a very special child who only swims in brackish water, because it allows electrolytes to penetrate the skin, according to the latest study from the Profound Awareness Institute (PDF file attached). Also, a reminder of the requirements for my precious angel’s swim instruction: Because, as I told you, his ways of knowing are multidimensional, the Rosh Agam (head of waterfront activities) should gently stroke his face and stare deeply into his eyes while teaching him. I realize this can be challenging while he is learning Dead Man’s Float. So, I suggest the Rosh Agam use an oxygen tank and lie on the bottom of the Agam during this point of instruction. If he bites you, you may stop stroking his face. Also, I know it will be hard to pay attention to any other swimmers while this is occurring but it cannot be helped. If they were more highly evolved, they’d have their own Indigo parents advocating for them, wouldn’t they!? Ha ha.
Shalom and crystals,
Ms. Jael McCarthystein

*

Dear Parents:
This is just a reminder that lunches must be nut-free. Some of our campers are allergic.
Shalom,
The Staff of Camp Hekhalal

Dear Staff of Camp Hekhalal:
I know you didn’t mean my angel. As I have explained to the Rosh Machaneh, he needs his daily ration of rare organic macadamia nuts rubbed in civet.
Shalom and moonstone,
Ms. Jael McCarthystein

*

Dear Parents:
Please remind your children that the camp loudspeaker is for staff only. (“Hakshivu, Hakshivu na!”) Further disruptions and interruptions on the public address system will not be tolerated.
Shalom,
The Staff of Camp Hekhalal

Dear Staff of Camp Hekhalal:
I regret that the harsh chemicals in your camp “bug juice” caused my angel to “act out” in a way that fully expresses the totality of his being. I remind you that I did ask you to provide fresh organic glacier water sweetened with agave and sustainably harvested Tibetan rose petals. Your juice of the masses clearly had a profound effect on his crown chakra. Besides, crystal children are known to disrupt electrical appliances, radios, TVs, and computers because of their particular energy vibrations, so I expect incidents like this to happen again. Finally, in the future, please do not ask my angel to “think” instead of “feel.”
Shalom and hematite,
Mrs. Jael McCarthystein

*

Dear Parents:
Some of you may have heard about the incident at mifkad (assembly) this morning. Please be assured that no children were hurt and that there was no damage (other than the underwear). Steps are being taken so that this will never happen again.
Shalom,
The Staff of Camp Hekhalal

Dear Staff of Camp Hekhalal:
That other child was wearing a Red Sox cap (which I repeatedly told you would act as a “trigger” for my angel, who has a deep spiritual and cosmic connection to the Yankees). Wearing a Red Sox cap is bullying behavior, which I believe is explicitly banned in your camp’s code of conduct! Therefore, he deserved to be hoisted up the flagpole by his underwear. I suppose he was vaccinated, which would explain his poor sartorial sense. (Bad fashion choices are a frequent result of thimerosal predictably underreported by the mainstream media.) As I have explained repeatedly, special children like my angel, while rare, have always been with us; earlier generations were Scouts, like those Moses sent to explore the Land of Canaan in the Book of Numbers. But humanity is rarely ready for the advanced consciousness of those like my angel. To quote Angel Therapy (which is like the Torah to my family): “Like the one known as Jesus the Christ, most often these scouts were killed, but they served the purpose of planting the seeds. It has often been noted that ‘Crystal and Christ’ are very similar words and in this respect offer a similar definition.” I’m not comparing my angel to Christ, of course, but you can’t help noticing the etymological similarities! To get to the point, my angel seems to have hurt a muscle in his shoulder giving the less-advanced child a wedgie and hoisting him up the flagpole. I am enclosing a bill for his massage therapy. Because I am a Creature of Light, I will not charge you for the cranial sacral therapy he needed to deal with the trauma of being bullied by the hat, or his past-life regression therapy to assure him that he is a more important person than the other campers. I’m glad we agree that my angel is too highly evolved for Camp Hekhalal; rest assured we will not be back (even if you hadn’t banned us).
Shalom and amethysts,
Ms. Jael McCarthystein

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Letters to Summer Camp—From the Parents of Very Special Campers

What adults whose kids have purported psychic powers, from soulful Crystal Children to fiery Indigo Children, might say

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